Since birth most of us are conditioned to think like our parents. They are usually the only examples we have to go by. However I’m sure most of you realize the danger in this. We have parents with addictions or who are over opinionated. Im sure you understand how listening to them and watching them can confuse a person trying to find their footing on this planet we call earth. I used to beg for an instruction Manuel on life school children etc. what I realized is my instruction Manuel is pre loaded. When I finally figured out how to go within. I realized the answers were always there. I have to live for me. I can no longer worry about how others look at me. Or what they will think of me. It took 32 years for me to finally say idgaf! And mean it. I am fully loved and supported by the universe. I have been allowing others to dictate who I am and what I like. Sorry mom and grandma but I’m here for me! I smoke weed. I have sex. I want purple hair. I basically want to be a black hippie. I want to hug trees and be in nature. Or hell sleep all day if that’s what my soul tells me to do. I can no longer ignore my inner urgings. I hate working a regular job. I am a slave incarnate! We all are. This life that we created is straight ground hog day on repeat. I’m not here to dress in uncomfortable pants sit in a cube in a room with no fresh air. Week after week just dying slowly. 8 hours to the man then the fumes I have left are for my kids. How backwards is that. My kids deserve me at my best not the lump of flesh that’s left after eating people’s shit from 9-5. I’m no where close to where I want to be but its on cuz I just stopped off the bench! Bottom line YOU create your OWN reality and the moment you realize that and truly understand it life will never be the same!
It can only be described as the worst headache of my life. I have always suffered from migraines and thought this was no different. I had just given birth to my 3rd son a week ago. His father literally turned into a demon upon delivery. I was scared, depressed and stressed to the max. Enter the 3 day long migraine. By the time I convinced myself to leave my newborn and go to the hospital it was almost to late. I learned that my brain was bleeding and I was suffering from a hemorrhagic stroke. At the age of 29 I lay in my hospital bed closed my eyes and just gave in.
Can I just say that being in the hospital sucks. My body ached mostly from all the failed attempts at drawing my blood and constant IV’s attached to my veins. But besides that I was mentally worn. My only goal at this point is to eat and breathe. But after a few days I realized that all the doctors were doing was pumping me full of an unknown substance. The were defiantly not giving me any answers as to what just happened any why. So after feeling guilty and well worried about my kids I checked myself out of the hospital. I needed to get back to my kids. I stumbled around life for another year scared out of my mind. The doctor put me on a high dosage of prednisone, which basically turned me into the marshmallow man. I knew at that point that if I went my kids would be forced to live with their irresponsible father or my mother. That wasn’t going to work. I didn’t have the first clue on how to live but knew I had to be here for my children.
Enter the beginning of my spiritual journey…..
The truth of it all is that I felt dead for years. I secretly wished that I would go to sleep one night and not have to wake up. I couldn’t even pin point why I was so sad and disconnected. I was overweight after having the kids. I couldn’t stomach to look at myself in the mirror. I stayed in horrible relationships with people who couldn’t love me. I was waking up every day and going to a job that was even more depressing. All day my mind ran with negative thoughts.
I am a now a single mother of 3 black male children. In the times of Mike Brown and Trayvon Martin this is worst than I could have ever expected. But I face this challenge head on! I am blessed beyond belief. I don’t have to share their hugs and kisses with anybody else. I can bend shape and mold them into the men they are destined to be.
2 years Later I’m migraine free. It wasn’t any medication that cured me. I’m learning that we all have the power to heal ourselves. I know it sounds nuts but trust me on this. Keep posted and I’ll show you a few tricks that have pulled me out of my own living hell.
So its time to get off the sidelines. I want in on this blogging thing. I don’t know if people care what I have to say but damnit!!! if I don’t let it out I’ll blow. So like to hear it? Here it goes….